Lost
by montez
Summary: How lost can a person get before it to late? Will they be able to reach out for help and will that help arrive in time? Warning-contains dark themes.
1. Chapter 1

Lost  
Chapter one  
By Montez  
Disclaimer: Still don't own but a person can dream

_A/N: Me again, been busy with life or what passes as my life at the moment. I've had this story floating since the episode where Joe was taken by Adam and Steve had to come rescue him. Steve's emotions in the truck just before Joe got out really stuck with me, so I actually wrote two and a half chapters that night, but it stalled. Honestly at the time that episode aired my head wasn't in a good place and I channeled that through Steve. A few days later I found my light at the end of the dark tunnel I was in and the 'feelings' of this story were chased away by the light. However life really loves to keep screwing with me and those feelings are returning, but if there is a possitive side to thier return it gets me back to this story. This story touches on the possibility of suicide, so if you have a problem with the topic you may want to skip this story-I don't mind. Just remember that if you are ever worried or have a 'feeling' about a friend don't dismiss it and think they will come to you, they may be like Steve in this story and me in real life and not want to burden thier friends with thier problems and that can be a dangerous thing. And on a personal note I wish I had a Danny, Chin and Kono in my life, but sometimes you guys are those for me and I thank you.-Montez_

There have been many times in my life where I was standing on the edge. The edge of darkness, the edge of nothingness, the edge of death. I have seen so much senseless waste of human life and I think of how much I've contributed to that waste. Yes it's my job, has been my job since I was eighteen years old, it became more specialized with my specialized training, making me more efficient in taking a life.

From the age of sixteen my life has been shaped by loss, first my mother, then my father, though physically there after my mother he was lost to me too. Then my sister when my father sent us so far away from our home to separate new homes with relatives on the mainland. I never forgave him for that, I never dealt with it either. I channeled my anger, my heartbreak into unwavering focus, it was then my workouts became more intense, almost obsessive. Because of football I was in pretty good shape, but I knew I needed to be in top shape if I wanted to reach my personal goal. I would show my father, I would show everyone, I would become the best, my goal, the elite Navy SEAL's.

The Navy was in my blood, my grandfather and father both served, but I was determined to go further and did. I became one of the best, most efficient, I was always on the move, never stopping, never thinking, just doing what needed to be done the most effective way possible.

All that changed with the sound of a gun-shot across a sat-phone in the middle of nowhere Korea. I had only spoken to my father a few times over the years, never very long conversations, never very personal, but to hear his voice over that line, to know someone was standing over him, holding a gun to his head, in that moment I wanted nothing more than to be home, to see my father, to hug my father, then he was gone and my world crashed down on me.

I shoved the emotions away as I awaited extraction from our ambushed convoy, I was the only man to come away uninjured, all the other men with me were either dead or wounded. I came home days later, home…this place had not been home in almost twenty years, not since the day our father put Mary and me on those planes to the mainland.

It's been over a year now since I returned home, so much has happened, so much loss and pain. My father's death brought me back here, I soon learned that my mother's death was no accident, but murder. Then Mary got kidnapped and I nearly went crazy before we found her, alive thank God, but I knew then as my father did all those years ago, because of me she needed to be sent away to be kept safe.

The more I thought about things I started to feel the world close in, the man who had my father killed was using her to get to me, my sister had been kidnapped because I had started going through my father's things, looking into the last case he'd been working on and my little sister had snooped as well. If I had buried my father and left the island none of this would have happened. Everyone around me would be safe.

Because of me in those first few days I got a man, a police officer I didn't know, shot. He had a daughter and I recklessly got him shot. I then forced him into being my partner, which set him in more danger because of my single-mindedness to find those responsible for the losses in my life. A rookie, I pulled a rookie who hadn't even graduated yet into a life-threatening situation because of my obsession. Then there was Chin Ho Kelly, I knew that name from high school, one of the best quarterbacks in the schools history until I came along. Before my father sent me away all those years ago I had heard he became a cop, like my father, but I never saw him again until that day on the dock next to the USS Missouri, the day that changed everything. I learned his story, pulled him into my 'task force' that's only focus, my only focus, was to bring down Victor Hesse, the man who'd fired the shot that echoed halfway across the world.

But then Christmas arrived, my first Christmas on the islands since I was a kid, Danny worried about making it a good one for Grace. Watching my friend with his daughter made me long for the father I could have had had my mother not died, no…been murdered.

Then that call came and another person I'd come to care about was at the mercy of the man who'd killed my father. Looking at the darkness of the ocean crashing against the shore I remember the horror of running toward Chin that day, knelling in front of our headquarters with that bomb strapped around his neck. God I knew in that moment I was going to loss someone else and their death was going to be my fault because it was me Hesse was after, it was me Hesse was trying to destroy and he knew taking away the people that meant the most to me would do that.

But we were granted a Christmas miracle and with Kono's help I was able to bring Victor down, saving a life I had put in danger. Why my team stayed with me after that I'll never know, especially once we figured out Hesse really wasn't behind everything, a man named Wo Fat was and now my team was in his cross-hairs because of me.

God it all comes back to me, My father's death, Danny getting shot, Mary getting kidnapped, Kono being put in danger, Chin nearly being blown up it was all because of me. Then there was the Sarin. Danny, my partner, my best friend had nearly suffocated in front of me because of my obsession to find Wo Fat. No the Sarin wasn't Wo Fat's doing, but if we hadn't been raiding that safe house, we wouldn't have been chasing Sang Min and Danny would have never entered that house and been exposed.

Danny told me that very first day we met, the very first time my single-mindedness nearly got him killed that he didn't want to die for my vendetta and with that Sarin he had been within minutes of doing just that and I knew then I couldn't live with myself if I lost another person.

My life is falling apart, some days the guilt is so strong that I feel like I'm drowning. But I push it aside, I can't let people see that weakness and for the most part it works, but Danny sees it sometimes but I brush off his concern. I have to or I wouldn't be able to function, but sitting here now, the relentless pounding of surf echoing through my head I can't brush it off anymore, can't push it aside to be ignored, because of me I've nearly lost everyone.

Now Joe. I've known Joe since Annapolis, out of the blue one day this Naval Officer approached me, introduced himself, said he knew my father and if I ever needed anything to give him a call. I never really talked to the man after that though I would occasionally see him over the years during my training. Then one time a mission went sideways and just when I thought it was all over Joe led the team that came in and saved our asses. He stayed close during my recovery, we talked and it was then I finally felt I had someone I could trust, someone to fill that void my father had left, but now I just don't know.

I can't keep dealing with the secrets, the lies. Shelburne has become a larger nightmare than even Wo Fat, even though it all ties to him and I know Joe knows more than he's saying, but I can't understand why he just won't tell me. God I was tortured over this, I was tortured and watched Jenna die right in front of me, because of me another person died. I'm going to loss Joe too, I can feel it and in all honesty I can't handle this anymore. I want it all to stop. Joe said he wanted the deaths to stop, no one wants that more than me. I can't have anyone else die because of me, Kono's just coming into her own as a cop, Chin's just started a new life with Malia and Danny…God Danny has had to deal with so much crap because of me I don't know why he stays. I just want it to end.

Standing I look out across the black expanse of the ocean, even the moonlight can't chase away the darkness I feel inside, the darkness I can't contain anymore, pushing me closer to the edge I've danced along for so many years. Turning my back on the ebony water, making my way to the darkened house I know, this time the darkness is winning.

50505050505050

Danny was sitting in his office, Kono and Chin had left a short time ago, this case had been so brutal and senseless that he just couldn't wrap his head around it, they murdered an innocent girl to fix a jury, it just…God there were days he hated this job and today was one of them.

Then there's his worry about Steve, again fate decided to rain shit on him as he had to watch Sutherland fall to his death. He know Steve tried his damnedest to pull that man up, but in the end it wasn't enough, it seems liked lately nothing is ever enough. Throw in the continued drama with Joe and Shelburne and he's surprised Steve isn't blowing more things up in frustration. Danny had started to notice a bit of the Steve he had first met starting to show up again, the man who was always guarded, but what was more worrisome was the withdrawal. It took a while before Steve ever really started talking to him about anything other than work, but the last few months he's noticed Steve starting to shutdown again.

And now, with Jenna and Korea, Joe's seemingly endless stonewalling, Danny had a sick feeling that he was somehow losing his friend. Williams had noticed the near constant shadows under Steve's eyes, the hollowness his cheeks had started to take on, the unnatural paleness of his normally tanned skin was starting to show. But more than anything it was the tension that literally rolled off him in waves, Steve was wound so tight that Danny didn't know how much more his partner could take before something snapped.

Glancing at the clock Danny noticed it was nearly eleven o'clock. Steve had left a couple hours ago to meet up with Joe, since the disappearance of Hiro Noshimuri the Yakuza and Hiro's son, Adam, had made it clear they blame Joe and again it was another riddle that the older man was refusing to share with Steve. Turning off the desk lamp, Danny grabbed a couple folders and decided to head home, it had been a bitch of a day and all he wanted to do was sleep it off, to wake up tomorrow and deal with nothing more complicated than good ole fashion drug runner or arms dealer. If he ever saw the body of a murdered child again it would be too soon.

Just as he stepped into the main room his cell rang, it was Steve. "Hey, you get anything more out of Joe about Hiro?"

There was silence for a few seconds, causing Danny to actually pull his phone back, checking to make sure there was still a connection. "Steve?"

Listening carefully Danny could hear his friend breathing, but it seemed off somehow, it wasn't obvious but Williams felt his gut twist when Steve still hadn't answered. Without thought Danny rushed over to the computer table and started to trace Steve's call, "Hey man answer me, you okay? Steve?" The silence was unnerving.

The voice that came through the phone was barely a whisper, "I can't…I can't do this anymore…"

Danny literally froze a moment, his mind trying to put together the sound of his friend's voice, the words he was speaking, it wasn't making any sense, "What? Steve what can't you do? Where are you? Are you okay?" The screen popped up and showed Steve was at his house.

A hollow chuckle filled the phone that sent a shiver up Danny's spine, "God Danny…I haven't been okay for a long time now…you know that…" Again the words were breathless, empty. "Too many…it's too much…it's not worth it anymore…" Danny moved across the room, rushing out the office doors heading toward his Camaro, he needed to get to Steve, the sound of his voice, the words…unfortunately Danny had dealt with this before, a friend back in Jersey, things had gotten bad and he…No Danny couldn't, wouldn't let his mind go there.

"Listen to me Steve, tell me what's going on in that head of yours." Danny needed to keep his partner on the phone, he needed to get to him. Williams wished he had a way to call Chin, he felt this was something he might not be able to handle alone, but there was no way he was going to disconnect the fragile link to his friend.

"You said once my head must be a scary place…you have no idea…it has to stop…it has to stop…" Those last words barely whispered as Danny listened to his partner, no his brother, the man was more of a brother to him than his own brother. He listened to Steve take a resigning breath, "I'm sorry Danny…" With those three words the phone line went dead.


	2. Chapter 2

Lost  
Chapter 2  
by Montez  
Disclaimer: see chapter one

_A/N: First I want to say WOW, Thank you guys so much for your support you guys are my ohana. I have gotten so many positive PM's and reviews and believe it or not it's those simple gestures that keep me sane somedays. I did want to clarify something that a PM mentioned. This story was started and the idea formed way before we ever knew of Alex's issues in real-life. This is my take on how 'Steve' was acting and looking and I added my twist, this in no way was to be a reflection of Alex's appearance since his conditions was still unknown (and there had been some buzzing around on the 5-0 board's that maybe it was a reflection of what Steve's character was going through), when I started and outlined this story. I have an unimaginable amount of respect for Alex and his positive response to whatever problems he may have and that he saw it for what it was and is dealing with it head-on. It should be a call to anyone (especially actors) that you should see the problem before it's plastered all over the tabloids and handle it with dignity. I only wish Alex a speedy return as our beloved Steve and a speedy recovery for the sake of himself, his family and friends. To those who may think otherwise, please remember this is 'fiction' and as writers we take our liberties and bend reality slighlty to fit our stories. Addiction, abuse, depression or suicide is nothing to be taken lightly and anyone can be brought down by them.-Montez_

"Steve!" Danny looked at the phone as he started the car, "Damn it, this isn't happening." He mumbled, pushing the peddle to the floor, thankful the parking lot was nearly empty as he fish-tailed the silver car from the lot. "God what the hell is going through your head? What the hell happened?" Danny continued to mumble to himself as he hit number three on his phone. "Come on Chin pick up." Williams growled as he hit the lights and sirens', silently praying what he feared wasn't really happening.

"Don't tell me we got another case already?" Chin answered his phone.

"Chin I need you to get to Steve's now. I'm on my way but…" Danny rushed out, the car again sliding as he made another turn.

"Danny what's going on?" Williams could hear Kelly moving around, whispering something to Malia in the background before the sound of his car starting was heard.

"Look Chin, I don't know, but I just got a call from Steve and frankly the way he sounded, what he was saying…Chin something's wrong, we just need to get there, I'm still ten minutes out…just hurry." With that Danny disconnected, he needed to focus on his driving, he couldn't afford an accident, he didn't think Steve could afford the delay.

It was ten of the longest minutes of his life, but as Danny reached Pi'ikoi Street he noticed flashing lights turn from the other end, knowing it was Chin, he turned into Steve's drive, the dark blue Silverado sitting crossways across the front yard. Exiting the car just as Chin pulled in behind him, Danny ran toward the front door pushing it open but suddenly stopped just as Kelly made it to the porch behind him, "Danny?"

Danny instinctively pulled his gun, years of training overriding his deep-seeded need to find his friend. He had also learned over the year working with McGarrett to never assume to know the situation, "Smells like a gun's been fired." Danny whispered as he started to sweep the lower floor, even though his gut was telling him there was no other threat in the house, he needed to check.

Chin peeled off, heading toward the back before soundlessly making his way back toward Danny, "Back is clear. What is going on? Where's Steve?"

Danny made a move to head upstairs without answering Chin, if what Danny feared was true Kelly would have his answer soon enough and it would be an answer that would nearly destroy them all. Leaving the clearing of the other rooms to Chin, Danny headed straight toward the master bedroom, the door was wide open, moonlight filtering across the floor, the curtains casting ghostly shadows as the ocean breeze gently blew them, the room looked surreal, almost ethereal.

Stepping over the threshold he scanned the room, the smell of gunpowder more pungent now. "God Steve, please." Danny whispered, already feeling the emotions rising inside him, threatening to stop him in his tracks, drop him to his knees. He didn't know if he could do this, could he actually check this room and deal with what he might find? How would he live with himself if what he feared was true? What type of person would that make him for not seeing just how much pain his partner, his best friend, his brother was in?

"Danny?" Kelly's voice was barely heard behind him, Williams could hear the fear, the worry now that things seemed to be clicking within the older man's mind.

"I don't…" Danny was moving slowly now, toward the other side of the bed. The first thing he saw was the black Timberland boots. He felt his heart rate increase, his breathe caught as he moved further, black-clad legs came into view as did his partner's arm, then the slumped form lying next to the bed. Finally the gun, the matte-black object illuminated by the moonlight on the floor a few feet away.

For a moment time stopped, even Chin seemed frozen as the scene laid before them was more than they were able to comprehend. Then it was like something clicked, the gun, it was just a little too far away from Steve's body, it was then Danny rushed forward, "STEVE!", dropping down on the floor next to his slumped friend, again the moonlight giving his pale face an eerie glow, but it was just that, paleness…there was no pool of crimson, no indescribable scene of death. Williams reached his hand out, toward Steve's neck and held his breath.

"Danny?" Chin asked again, kneeling next to his friends, praying that how things appeared was not true.

"He's alive!" Danny seemed to snap back together as the thump of a pulse was felt against his fingers, "His plus is way too fast though…Steve…" Williams shook the unconscious man, getting no response, "Hey man come on, wake up…" Danny started patting Steve's face rather roughly, still getting nothing, "Chin call an ambulance, he's not waking up, his breathing is shallow."

Kelly stood to make the call, they didn't know exactly what was going on, but Steve needed help and it was more than they could deal with on their own. The older man watched as Danny maneuvered McGarrett onto his back, "Come on Steve, wake up for me." Danny again patted Steve's cheek, the continued unconsciousness unnerving.

"Danny you know how this looks." Chin said, hanging up the phone, kneeling back down.

"I know, look just secure his gun, we'll get him to the hospital and go from there. Check the bathroom; make sure he didn't take something." Danny directed Chin, he needed to wrap his head around the fact his partner was indeed still alive, that the hollow sound of his voice, the seeming finality of his words were just a cry for help and that there was still a chance of saving his best friend.

"I found this." Chin returned to the room holding a small bottle, "It was sitting out on the counter, its empty."

Danny reached up and took the bottle; they were sleeping pills, looking at the date he glanced back at Chin, "He's had them a few months." He didn't want to believe Steve might have taken them all tonight, not when he just felt he'd been given a second chance to help his partner.

"We can't assume, we have to make sure." Chin glanced toward the door as the sound of sirens finally reached their ears.

"I know." Was Danny's only reply as he again checked Steve's pulse, still far too quick for his unconscious state. "Go let them in."

A nod was Chin's only response before he left the room, Danny again resting his hand on Steve's chest, not knowing what was going on in his partner's head, not knowing if the pills from the empty bottle had been taken tonight or not, but knowing that no matter what he was going to get Steve through this.

Seconds later paramedics rushed in the door, Danny reluctantly moved back allowing them to work. Watching as vitals were taken, an oxygen mask placed as well as an IV line, Williams felt Chin touch his arm, "Look" Kelly whispered, motioning across the room at the shattered mirror above the dresser, a small hole in the center of the shattered fragments.

Danny just stood a moment, 'well that explains the smell of gunpowder', another whispered prayer was offered, this time of thanks that the bullet was now imbedded in the wall and not in Steve.

Chin handed the medics the pill bottle, telling them they didn't know if the unconscious man had actually taken them tonight, but that the item was found sitting out on the bathroom counter and they didn't want to take any chances. Steve was soon transferred to the stretcher and quickly removed from the room, Danny and Chin right behind, "I'm coming with him" Danny said, stepping up into the ambulance not giving the EMT a chance to dispute him.

"I'll meet you at the hospital." Chin said just before he helped slam the doors to the rig shut, lights and sirens exploding to life, leaving Kelly hoping the life it carried wasn't coming to an end.


	3. Chapter 3

Lost  
Chapter 3  
Disclaimer: See chapter one

_A/N: Thank you all again for your wonderful support and encouraging words, you guys are great.-Montez_

The ride to the hospital took ten minutes, the first eight were uneventfully in respects that nothing changed in Steve's condition, he didn't show signs of waking, his breathing was still shallow, his heart rate still high. Then two minutes out Danny watched as Steve's chest stopped its slow up and down movement, the medic shouting to the driver something about blood pressure and heart rate dropping. Williams watched as the man skillfully slipped a tube down Steve's throat to force air into his lungs, while continuing to watch the slow blips on the heart monitor going even slower, more flat line between peaked blips. "Come Steve, don't do this!" Danny reached out and grabbed his friends hand, "Damn it, you fight you hear me…don't do this to me!"

Williams barely felt the ambulance come to a halt, jumping slightly when the back doors were opened and Steve was pulled from the back. Danny stayed out of the way as doctors, nurses and the paramedics rushed his partner through the emergency room doors and out of sight into a trauma room. He reached the door as it closed, a part of him wanted, no needed to be in that room with his friend, to shout at him to fight, but as that door closed it was like a barrier he couldn't overcome was dropped in front of him, he couldn't force his legs to move any further, couldn't make his arms push the wooden door open, all he could do was lay his hand over the polished grain, feel the coolness against his palm.

"Sir, you need to wait in the waiting room, the doctor will be out as soon as possible." A soft voice pulled Danny's eyes from the door to the young girl beside him. Yes to him she looked so young, not possibly old enough to be wearing a nurse's badge, too young to have to see the horrible things that pass through an emergency room on a daily basis.

Williams had been in ER's enough to know arguing with the staff wouldn't get him anywhere other than possibly kicked out of the hospital. With one last look at the door that separated him from his friend, his partner, his brother he gave the young woman an uncharacteristically silent nod before turning. Danny hadn't made it twenty feet down the hallway when an alarm sounded, his heart dropped into his stomach when he turned back toward Steve's door and saw several medical personal rushing into the room. He moved to follow but felt a pull on his arm, looking at the hand he followed the arm it was attached to and found Chin standing next to him, '_when had he arrived?' _Danny's mind numbly asked.

"We need to let them work." Kelly said softly, sending his own glance toward the now propped open door. His mind also having a hard time trying to process what was happening as he led an unusually compliant Williams toward the waiting room.

Once reaching the waiting room, Danny dropped bonelessly into a chair, Chin sitting next to him. "Kono's on her way, do you think we should call Joe?" Kelly knew Steve's and Joe's relationship was becoming rockier by the day, but Steve had reminded Chin just yesterday that Joe was like a father to him.

Williams leaned back, taking a deep-breath, "What happened Chin? What did we miss? What did I miss?" running his hand over his face Danny stood, moving to the window, watching the few vehicles on the street pass by as if nothing was wrong, as if the world wasn't on the verge of losing one of it's silent hero's. "I've noticed he's been off for weeks, especially since…" Danny didn't have to mention Korea, they all knew Steve was still dealing with those events, hell they all were. "Why didn't I see this coming?"

Kelly stood, stepping up next to Danny, "You know Steve plays everything close to the vest, doesn't like to worry others with what he sees as his problems. He's withdrawn from everyone, not just you, there was no way we could have known things were getting this bad." Kelly's own guilt was warring inside him, he too should have done more, tried to get the younger man to talk more, but trying to get Steve to talk when he didn't want to was near to impossible.

Just then Kono came rushing into the emergency room, Malia with her. Giving Chin a quick hug Malia rushed back toward the trauma rooms to see what she could find out about Steve's condition while Kono approached Danny, she took in the complete look of helplessness in both men's eyes and the fear she'd had since Chin's phone call nearly made her sick. "How is he? Do you know what happened?" Kelly had been vague with his cousin, not giving her any details just telling her to meet them at the hospital.

"We don't know anything yet." Chin replied as Danny turned running his hand over his face, leaning against the wall.

"I'm going to call Joe." Williams said softly as he moved away.

"Chin?" Kono touched her cousin's arm as he watched Danny step over into a quieter corner of the room.

"I don't know Kono, we found Steve unconscious I really don't want to assume what happened until we know more." Kelly was not one to tell much until he had facts, yes Steve's gun had been laying nearby, yes he had found an empty pill bottle in the bathroom and yes Steve's heart had stopped inside that trauma room, he knew what it all pointed to, but he just needed to wait for conformation.

Danny had stood looking out the window, his mind replaying the phone call from his partner, God he had never heard the man sound so lost. He'd heard Kono approach asking how Steve was; hell that was the question of the hour. Apparently none of them had any clue exactly how Steve was if they hadn't seen this coming. Stepping away he pulled out his cell, he knew Joe would want to know about Steve, knew Steve would want Joe to know no matter how tense things had become between the two.

Hitting the speed dial he waited, it was several rings before the rough sounding voice of the older man answered, "Danny, this isn't a good time and no I don't know where Steve is." Joe knew Danny usually called if he couldn't get a hold of Steve, which was rare since Steve always answered his phone. Joe knew he had upset Steve when he got out of the truck. Hell the kid had just risked everything going up against Adam Noshimuri to get him out of the one-sided boxing match he'd been in, but he really needed McGarrett to back off or the promise Joe had made so many years ago was going to get broken and Steve would eventually end up on the wrong side of a bullet.

Blowing out a deep breath Danny sat heavily in the corner chair, leaning forward, one hand rubbing his forehead. "Steve's at Queens Joe, I think you need to be here." Williams knew he sounded off, hell he felt off, nothing was making much sense and he was still trying to process everything.

"What?" The older man's voice coming loud across the phone. "Is he alright? Damn it I told him…" Joe mumbled slightly, he'd just told Steve he'd started a war with the Yakuza, had Adam moved that quickly in an attempt at retaliation?

"No Joe, he's not all right, not by a long-shot. Look just get here, maybe we'll know something by then." Danny didn't give the other man time to respond before ending the call, he leaned back against the wall closing his eyes but only seeing the slumped, unconscious form of his best friend, his brother.

Fifteen minutes later Joe White came through the Emergency Room doors, looking around he quickly spotted Chin and Kono sitting next to one another, but for a man who had seen combat more times than he cared to remember, who was use to seeing the worst type of situations, the expression he saw on Danny Williams face when he completely entered the waiting room nearly caused his step to waver. He had never seen the utter look of devastation and fear that he was seeing on the younger man's face. Joe felt his own heart clinch at the thought of what that look meant and honestly, for the first time in his life, he didn't know if he wanted to know what was happening. Steve was like a son to him and the thought of something happening to him that put that look on the man's best friend's face was nearly overwhelming.

"What happened? Where's Steve?" Joe crossed the room in three large strides.

"What the hell happened to you?" Danny reacted to the deep bruising and numerous cuts on Joe's face.

"It's not important, what happened to Steve?" White needed to know what was going on.

Shaking his head slightly, pinching the bridge of his nose, Danny took a deep breath knowing he'd get the answers as to what happened to Joe later, that's if later he really cared to know anything, looking back at the older man Danny told him only what he knew for sure, not what he was suspecting, because they still hadn't heard from the doctor's, they still didn't know if Steve was dead or alive. "We don't know yet, Chin and I found Steve unconscious at his place, on the way here he stopped breathing and once they got him in a trauma room his heart stopped." Williams felt bile rising as he said those words, how was he able to say them without his voice cracking was a miracle, but the images and Steve's voice was still on a repeated loop in his mind.

"What?" Joe asked disbelief clear on his face, "Was he hurt? Were there any signs of a struggle? Any trauma?" Joe was ready to take on Adam and the whole Yakuza if they had gone after Steve because of him.

"No, there wasn't." Was all Danny said as he stood and walked toward the window again. He needed to keep his composure; he had to keep it together.

Joe glanced at Chin and Kono, who herself still didn't know the whole picture, but knew Chin would explain everything to her once they had word on their friends condition. The older man rubbed his hand over his face, wincing as it came in contact with the still forming bruises. Everyone's head turned as a weary looking doctor entered the waiting room. "Family of Commander McGarrett."


	4. Chapter 4

Lost  
Chapter 4  
Discliamer: See chapter one

_A/N: Again a huge THANKS to all of you guys. I realized it was kind of mean to leave you guys hanging so I thought I'd post another chapter this weekend.-Montez_

"Family of Commander McGarrett." The Doctor said out of habit, already knowing the people in the waiting room were with the man virtually the whole island, if not the State of Hawaii knew.

Danny moved toward the doctor, the other's letting him take lead. "How is he?" Danny felt his heart rate and breathing increase, he felt his whole body tense in anticipation of the news he feared the doctor was about to deliver.

The doctor took in the weary, fearful expressions of the people before him, "Please…" He motioned toward the chairs, "Let's take a seat."

Reluctantly they all sat, trying to read the doctor's expression, but many years as an Emergency Room doctor had given the man the ability to control his features and emotions when dealing with family and friends of his patients. "First let me say we were able to restart Commander McGarrett's heart." The doctor could see a moment of relief cross everyone's face, but the underlying fear was still there. "However, right now he is still currently on a ventilator, his blood work found nearly triple the prescribed dosage of the medication from the bottle you gave the paramedics, the drug is depressing his body's ability to breathe on it's own at the moment." The physician noticed the two younger men shake their heads slightly, the young woman put her hand over her mouth, tears filling her eyes, but there was a complete look of disbelief on the older man's face.

"Wait a minute…" Joe looked at the doctor, Steve's teammates then back at the doctor, "You're saying he did this to himself?"

The physician could tell by looking two of the four people had understood, if not already suspected the prognosis, but the older man, however, just didn't appear to want to accept the diagnosis, and that was something the doctor had dealt with many times in this situation. "Yes, I'm afraid it appears as if Commander McGarrett attempted to take his own life tonight."

Everyone was silent a moment before Danny spoke as Joe stood up and walked across the room toward the exit. "Will he be okay?"

"Once the medication works its way out of his system we will remove the vent and physically he should make a complete recovery from this, but we noticed in our examination a few things that caused some concern." The physician started to explain, "It appears the Commander has several healing bruises and contusions as well as what appears to be several burn marks across his abdomen. He's showing signs of exhaustion, he appears to have lost weight recently and his electrolytes are out of balance, overall the Commander doesn't appear well. Can you all shed any light on what may be going on with him?"

Chin chose to answer the doctor's inquiry as he noticed Danny struggling with everything being brought up again. "His previous injuries occurred during an operation that we are not at liberty to discuss, we had noticed the weight loss, but assumed he was handling things okay, he brushed off any attempts at concern, but you have to understand that's how he is."

"I understand," the doctor responded, "but once he regains consciousness he will have to speak with our resident psychiatrist before he can be released to ensure he won't pose any continued harm to himself."

Danny couldn't help the shaken chuckle that escaped at the doctor's statement, "Good luck with that", he mumbled as the others glanced at him.

"I'm sorry," the physician started, "But it is hospital policy, if he doesn't comply we can have him admitted long-term is necessary."

"I have no doubt he'll talk to your doctor, he'll want out of here as soon as he wakes up, but I don't think that will get to the heart of the problem." Danny stood, "When can we see him?" He was done listening to the man who had no idea how Steve's mind worked, but as Danny thought about it maybe he didn't know how his partner's mind worked either, but he knew for sure McGarrett wasn't going to tell the doctor more than it took to get released.

The doctor could see that any further discussion was finished and he knew these people needed to see that their friend was still alive, "He'll be moved to the ICU within the next thirty minutes, you can see him then, he will stay there until the ventilator is removed and he shows signs of waking up, which could be up to twenty-four hours. We are pushing fluids to flush the drug from his system and to help with his electrolytes. After that we'll keep him another twenty-four and once he's seen the psychiatrist he will be released. ICU is on the fourth floor, I'll let them know you'll be coming up shortly."

The doctor shook their hands and left the waiting room. "I don't understand," Kono said softly, "Why didn't you guys tell me what was happening, you clearly suspected." A look of anger crossed the younger woman's face, mixing with the concern for her friend.

"We suspected yes, but we wanted to make sure first before we started talking about it, you know how things aren't always what they seem, we were hoping somehow that we were wrong." Chin spoke softly to his cousin, just then Malia come through the doors; Chin gave his wife a questioning look.

"I'm going up with Steve, they only allowed me to stay as a courtesy since emergency medicine isn't my field, I'm sorry I didn't come out sooner. I'll see you all upstairs, he should be settled in about thirty minutes and I'll see about arranging for you guys to stay with him if you'd like." Malia watched the other two people that she knew were an important part of his husband's life and she was well aware of how they all felt about one another.

"Thank you Malia." Danny said before she hugged each of them then headed back through the doors she'd come through.

Just as Malia left they all turned at the sound of the Emergency Room doors opening again, Joe making his way back toward them, his expression unreadable, "You're gonna tell me you all buy this? That Steve did this to himself?"

Danny looked at the man a moment, a flame of anger started to flicker within the Jersey native, "Chin and I found him Joe and we are damn lucky it was just the medication in his system and not a damn bullet in his brain." Danny's voice rose as he spoke.

"Steve wouldn't do this, he's one of the strongest, most stable people I've ever met, even with everything he went through as a kid, he had to be to even be considered for the SEAL's." Danny could see the disbelief in Joe's face, he knew as a cop denial was the first reaction to anyone close to a person who had just attempted or committed suicide. Hell Danny was dealing with his own feelings of denial, but he knows what he saw, what he heard in his friend's voice.

"Yeah and maybe that's the problem. We all think that, think he can handle things because he doesn't talk about them and because of that we didn't see what was really going on, we noticed him withdrawing but we just figured he could handle it and look how well that turned out." Danny turned a second, again trying to reign in his feelings, that now included anger. "He was suppose to meet up with you tonight, are you going to tell me you didn't see anything wrong with him? Did he see you like that?" Williams motioned toward Joe's face.

"Adam Noshimori had his guys grab me, figured I knew something about his father's disappearance, Steve showed up and got me out of there." Joe paused as he saw anger flash in Danny's eyes.

"He went against Adam Noshimori alone, to get you out?" Running his hand over his face he continued, "Of course he did, charges in without back-up… then what?" Danny motioned for the older man to continue.

"Then nothing, we had a disagreement on the way back to my place, he stopped the truck in the middle of the street, I couldn't answer what he was asking and I got out of the truck and walked away, called a cab to get home." Joe responded before he face paled slightly, "Damn it." He mumbled, turning away from the others.

Danny reached up and grabbed the man's arm, something apparently happened and it might give some insight into what had pushed his partner over that edge he'd obviously crossed. "What is it? What happened Joe?"

White turned back to the three people looking expectantly to him, each hoping he could shed some light on why things seemed to have become too much for Steve to deal with, each knowing it was something that had obviously been building in their leader, their friend for some time, but apparently something tonight had been the preverbal 'straw that broke the camel's back'. "Tonight, in the truck he was asking me…no…he was begging me to tell him about Shelburne, when I wouldn't he said that he deserved to know because… God why didn't I listen…" Joe said almost to himself as things from the conversation in the truck started to click.

"Damn it Joe what did he say? Why did he say he deserved to know?" Danny needed to know if Steve had asked the man before him for help and the former Lt. Commander had ignored the plea.

Joe looked Danny in the eyes, could already guess the young man's reaction to what he was going to say. They had all been waiting for Steve to bring up the subject that he had seemed to be trying to forget and Joe had all but brushed off the comment, all in his attempt to protect the man he cared about, was it possible that Steve had been trying to reach out to him in some way, in finally saying the words. "He said he deserved to know because he was tortured over it…God it was the first time he's brought it up and I didn't listen…I didn't listen…"

Chin made his move a second too late as Danny's fist connected with Joe's already bruised face.


	5. Chapter 5

Lost  
Chapter 5  
Disclaimer: See chapter one

Within twelve hours the doctor's were able to remove the ventilator that had been breathing for Steve, they expected the unconscious man to wake up within the next twelve hours, but he didn't. The team and Joe had made their way upstairs after the slight 'altercation' in the waiting room. Hell it was more or less classified as only one punch thrown, but the feeling that surrounded the four people was enough to scare off anyone who even thought to intervene. Joe had revealed that Steve had finally, after many weeks of them all waiting, brought up what Wo Fat had done to him, he had actually spoken the word they had all been waiting for him to acknowledge-Torture and apparently Joe, in his pig-headedness, didn't make the connections between the words and the pleading tone to McGarrett's voice when he'd said them.

There had obviously been more behind the conversation in the truck than Joe had 'heard' at the time and now they were all sitting around the small ICU cubical, trying to stay out of the nurses way. Joe had only stayed for short periods of time, the tenseness made him unusually uncomfortable. Chin and Kono would come and go, usually for food or coffee, but Danny stayed, his eye's watching the now natural rise and fall of his partner's chest, the steady blips on the heart monitor that now showed a strong beating heart.

It was passing the thirty hour mark and the sound of breathing and the steadiness of the monitor was the only indication that Steve was still with them; there had been no other movement from the man on the bed. Danny was alone in the room, he stood, blowing out a deep-breath, hating that there wasn't a window in the room to look out, day and night were lost in the turn of the clock. Williams had barely slept since first receiving that frightening phone call, the phone call that had set his world on edge and threatened to steal his best friend from him. Stepping up to the bed he took in the still, pale form of his friend, without hesitation he reached out and took a hold of Steve's limp hand, giving it a gentle squeeze, hoping for one in return.

"Why didn't you say something?" Danny said softly, "I thought we could talk, you always have a way of getting me to tell you things, even without coming out and actually asking. Why didn't you tell me what was going on in that crazy head of yours?" Running his free hand over his face, trying desperately to curtail the emotions he felt rising, "Do you know what that phone call did to me? You're my best friend and I felt so helpless when that line disconnected…God Steven…you and I are going to have a serious talk once you are out of here, so you need to wake up, I have the mother of all rants waiting for you." Clearing his throat Danny squeezed Steve's hand again, "Just wake up partner, whatever's going on we'll help you through it, but you have to take that first step and work your way back to us."

Another few seconds passed as Danny hoped for a response, then just as he was about to move his hand he felt what he'd been hoping for, a gentle squeeze. "Steve? Hey can you hear me? If you can, squeeze my hand again." another squeeze, slightly stronger this time followed. "That's it man, I'm here partner…whenever you're ready I'm right here." Williams reached back and hooked his foot on his chair, pulling it closer, sitting down with his hand still in Steve's, the slight grip had yet to be released.

50505050505050

_So much darkness, it closed in, surrounded him; he could feel it choking the air from his lungs as it had stolen his sight, his ability to move. The only sense he seemed to have was hearing as the relentless voices repeated his failures, his failure to save his father, to keep his sister safe, to keep his friends safe. Of Nick Taylor mocking him for how wrong he was in automatically trusting him, of Victor Hesse coldly saying words over and over that ended in a gunshot. Of his father, not blaming but saying everything that had gone unsaid all those years, leaving the guilt that Steve never reached out once he was sent away. Then Hesse again as he threatened Chin's life, there was Mary's terrified voice as she pleaded for help from the trunk of a car. There was Danny's panicked voice when he couldn't breathe from the Sarin exposure, then the horrible sounds as convulsions overtook his partner's body. Finally there was Jenna, Jameson and Wo Fat, their voices overlapping, mocking his willingness to believe everything Jenna and Jameson had said and Wo Fat's smug tone as it appeared he was finally winning in his attempt to destroy McGarrett._

_He wanted to scream at them to stop, for it all to stop, but he realized this must be his hell and he would be trapped here forever, his failures, his guilt being replayed over and over for eternity. It was then his sense of touch returned and he felt a warm grip take his hand, followed by a gentle squeeze that seemed to muffle the voices, pushing them further away. He was so afraid that grip would leave him and the voices would return and drag him deeper into his personal hell, he knew he needed to do something to keep that link; it was the only thing that was fighting the voices. He focused his thoughts on the feeling, the warm feeling that was radiating down his arm, working it's way through his body, he had to make it stay, he couldn't let it go because he knew if he did there would be no hope of ever escaping the voices. So he focused harder, willing his own hand to react to his wishes and in the moment he felt that fragile link start to pull away his own hand finally responded and he held on as if his life depended on it, knowing without a doubt that it did._

5050505050505050

It was another five hours and a change of rooms since Steve had shown signs of waking, allowing him to be moved to a private room. Danny had fallen asleep next to his friend's bed, his hand still being held in that of his partner's, who's grip had tightened as they prepared to move him forcing Danny to walk beside the bed during the move. Chin was sitting against the wall, head tilted back, snoring lightly. Kono had her head leaning against her cousin's shoulder, her arms tightly interlocked around his left arm. Joe had chosen to remain in the waiting room; he realized that these people were Steve's 'ohana' now and for the first time since his arrival on the island many months ago he felt like an outsider.

Danny woke suddenly, his eye's automatically going to his partner's form, glancing at the monitors to make sure everything looked okay as he tried to figure out what had woken him, then he felt it, another squeeze, this time firmer, stronger. Quickly standing he placed his free hand on Steve's forehead as movement behind the unconscious man's eyes was noticed, soon McGarrett's forehead pinched as he continued to struggle to open his eyes, "That's it Steve, can you open your eye's for me?" Danny said softly, not wanting to disturb Chin and Kono.

Steve's eyes finally opened, a deep-breath accompanied the movement, blinking a few times to focus his vision McGarrett finally turned his head slightly, taking in the relieved face of his friend, "Danny?" Steve whispered out, his voice scratchy from non-use and the effects of the tube that had been down his throat for just over twelve hours.

"About time you decided to join us." Danny smiled slightly, giving the hand still in his a squeeze. For several minutes Steve just looked at Danny, he didn't say anything, didn't do anything, just stared. Williams' concern went through the roof as he watched Steve's eyes fill, his breathing increasing, which in turn increased the sound on the heart monitor. "Steve? Come on man, say something, you're starting to scare me and I don't scare that easy anymore."

Without saying a word Steve brought his free hand up and covered his eyes, turning his head away from his partner as his breathing started to hitch, his body trembling as he tried desperately to reign in the emotions that started to overwhelm him when his mind started to remember everything that had happened. He hated showing this weakness, especially in front of Danny. He was better than this, stronger, but again he knew he wasn't and that made the feelings of worthlessness and doubt so much worse. He didn't deserve these people in his life, he only put them in danger, he needed them gone, needed himself to be gone from their lives so they would be safe. "Please leave." Steve barely whispered.

Danny squeezed his friend's hand, keeping hold of it as Steve tried to pull it away, "What?" He wasn't sure he'd heard the words correctly, surely his partner wasn't saying what it sounded like he was saying, not after all this and if it was, damned if Danny was going to listen. He had nearly lost his best friend just over a day ago; there was no way in hell he was going to risk that again, not with the scare they had all been through.

"I said leave", Steve said a little louder, his voice and the sounds of the heart monitor finally waking Kono and Chin.

The cousins stood, making there way toward the bed, Chin immediately picking up on the rising tension in the room, "Danny?" the older man looked at Steve, relief and concern both playing across his face, "Steve…is everything okay?" Kono stood silently also feeling the tension.

In that moment Steve jerked his hand from Danny's, pushing himself up slightly in the bed, his head aching, the pull of the IV needle going unnoticed as McGarrett's frustration started to grow, "I want you all to leave, just leave me alone." God they weren't safe around him, he couldn't understand why they didn't understand that.

Kono moved toward the door, preparing to summon help it need be, as Chin started to make his way toward the side of Steve's bed, hoping to calm the younger man who seemed to be growing more agitated by the second. Danny just stood his ground, glaring at his newly awakened partner, "You seriously want us to leave? Are you kidding me? That's the last thing that's going to happen." Danny's own emotions were warring inside him, relief, anger, concern, frustration; he honestly didn't know which one to acknowledge at the moment. There was no way he was leaving his best friend alone, not after that phone call, not after dealing with the terror of what he feared his friend had done, not after realizing he was given a second chance when he found a pulse on Steve's unconscious form.

"Damn it, I want you all gone, now! Just leave me alone…" Steve's anger was rising as he struggled to get out of the bed, he needed to get away, he needed to leave so everyone would be safe.

"Whoa…" Danny held up his arms, "Where the hell do you think you're going?" Chin was making his way back toward the foot of the bed, since Steve was trying to get out of the bed closer to Danny.

"Out of here, I need to get out of here since you won't leave, I am." Steve put his legs onto the floor standing unsteadily, using his height to glare down at his partner, his friend.

"Like hell you are, I suggest you get your ass back in that bed before I put you back in it." Danny was not nearly as intimidated as Steve was trying to make him feel. Hell Williams knew he could hold his ground if need be, even against Steve, especially with the SEAL not at his full strength.

Glaring at Danny, Steve started to rip off the heart monitor leads setting off the machine, next he reached for the IV line in the back of his hand, "I need to get out of here", Steve's voice faltered as his hands shook, all his emotions were warring inside him and he honestly couldn't think straight, he hated himself for feeling this weak, he needed to regain control but all he felt was fear. He was afraid for those around him, he was afraid of what he was feeling, the thoughts going through his head, he was afraid because he was powerless to stop the breakdown he felt welling in his chest, stealing his breath, clouding his vision in a watery haze.

Danny reached a hand up, trying to stop Steve from jerking the IV out, "Hey, take it easy, just sit down, we need to figure this out…" Danny's anger had evaporated in an instant when he realized Steve was seriously trying to leave. The blond man was shocked when Steve violently rebuffed his touch as he stumbled backward from a rough shove.

Chin stepped forward, hoping his normally calming presence would soothe the situation that was quickly escalating out of control, "Hey…easy Steve, we just want to help. Danny you okay?" Chin glanced at Danny who'd regained his balance only barely hearing the door to the room open as Kono left to get the nurse.

Before Danny could answer Steve finally pulled the IV out and made a move toward the door. But the look Chin saw on Steve's face told him his friend wasn't going to make it far. "I just want to leave…" Steve's voice sounded so desperate, so pleading, like the words were saying one thing and the tone was screaming another, "I can't do this anymore…I can't watch everyone die because of me…" Steve stumbled slightly as his breath hitched again, then both Chin and Danny saw the moment the dam holding back Steve's frayed emotions give way, the floodgates opened as Steve took another stumbled step before his legs gave out. "I can't…"

Danny grabbed his partner as the man started to drop, Chin helped guide them to the floor considering the height difference, but it was Danny's arm that Steve latched onto, that he clung to as his emotions and feelings overtook every sense he had, his voice breaking the words, "I can't…" over and over again against Danny's rumbled blue-striped dress shirt.

Chin met Danny's eyes over Steve's head, both men at a loss as the strongest man they knew broke in front of them, McGarrett's body shaking with silent sobs as everything he had seemed to be containing since he was sixteen years old finally spilled forth on the floor of his hospital room. Danny held his friend with the same strength that Steve was clinging to him, knowing he wasn't letting go until Steve was whole again.


	6. Chapter 6

Lost  
Chapter 6  
Disclaimer: See chapter one

_A/N: Thank you all again so very much for the kind words of encouragement in your reviews. It still amazes me that there are people who are interested in the things I write down and like i've probably said before, writing is my release, my way of working through things and you guys have been helping me so much. So again THANK YOU!-Montez_

Two days passed from the day Steve had collapsed into the arms of his two best friends. When the nurse rushed into the room with Kono, Chin had asked her to get the doctor, giving Danny a little more time to try and help calm his friend with the whispered words of assurance that the Jersey native had started to repeat. The doctor had arrived within ten minutes and it was another ten before Williams felt Steve's body give into the exhaustion that had come from the emotional release. It took the three men to maneuver McGarrett back into the hospital bed, the nurse moving in quickly to cleanup Steve's arm where he'd pulled the IV out, then she worked to insert another line, all the while the man on the bed didn't stir.

After performing a quick assessment of his patient the doctor stepped toward the three people who were waiting aguishly. "Doc?" Danny's emotion-thick voice asked.

"He's sleeping now. His vitals are off slightly but that is to be expected with what I witnessed." The man ran his hand through his hair, "Your friend is nearly completely exhausted, in ever sense of the word, it's making whatever he's going through that much worse. He's going to need rest for several days, he will still need to speak with the psychiatrist and it will probably be strongly encouraged for him to receive outside help to work through what is going on. But the one major thing you all can do is be there for him, even when he tries to push you away. With what happened it's obvious he is in a very dark place, he needs to be reassured things will get better, that he doesn't have to do it all alone."

Danny's eyes never left his friend, his brother, "Believe me leaving him alone is the last thing that we'll do." Glancing at the doctor Williams asked the question that he knew would be the start of the healing process for them all, "When do you think he can go home?"

"Once he speaks with someone, I'd say probably within the next forty-eight hours. Look I know you all have been here since he arrived, I believe with the level of exhaustion he's exhibiting he will more than likely sleep for several hour and that is what he needs right now. Why don't you all take a break, he's going to need you all and if you're exhausted it's not going to help anyone." The Doctor encouraged the people before him.

"I don't know if…" Before Danny could rebuff the request another voice, one they hadn't realized was in the room spoke up.

"I'll stay with him…" Joe White had slipped into the room when he'd seen Kono rush back with the nurse, fearing the worse the older man needed to know what was happening. He'd been overwhelmed at the sight that greeted him when he'd entered the room and he had remained back from the group. "I might have failed him the other night, but it won't happen again. He's going to need you all and for you to be there for him you need to rest, I'll stay with him and call if anything changes or he wakes up again." White made his way to stand in front of Danny. "You have every right to be angry with me, I missed what he was going through also and when he finally attempted to reach out and acknowledge what was going on with him, I missed it, I was so wrapped up in thinking I was protecting him that I didn't see that I was losing him. I know that doesn't make up for it and I really don't care if you forgive me or not, but I need to be here for him as well."

Joe watched Danny's eyes drift from him, to Steve and back, "We all missed it Joe, we are all to blame in this." Williams glanced toward Chin and Kono, "We'll head out for a few hours, get something to eat and rest," receiving affirmative nods he looked back at Joe, "You'll call?"

"As soon as there is a change, I'll call." Joe reassured.

With that, Danny moved back toward his friend, taking his hand again, "We'll be back soon buddy, Joe's right here; he'll call if you need us. Just keep doing what you do best, fighting…" The blond man's voice cracked slightly, "We're here for you, I'm here for you don't forget that." A final squeeze of the sleeping man's hand and Danny left the room, Chin and Kono right behind.

Two days later found Danny pulling the Camaro into Steve's driveway with his partner silent in the passenger seat, "Chin and Kono are going to stop by later, maybe fire up that grill of yours. Joe said he'd stop by tomorrow, said he had a few calls to make and people to contact, whatever that means." Danny and Joe hadn't really talked to one another much since that night at the hospital.

Once cutting the motor Danny exited the car, popping the trunk retrieving Steve's duffle. Making his way toward the passenger side he took in the still exhausted looking form of his best friend who had yet to open the door. Giving Steve a minute Williams made his way to the porch, opening the front door, sitting the bag just inside, his back was only turned a moment, but when he started back toward the car, it was empty. "Shit…" Danny mumbled, making a quick scan of the yard, "Damn it Steve." The blond man headed toward the only place he could think his friend would go, running along the walk beside the house, Danny just made out the form of Steve sitting down in the sand on the beach behind the house.

Wordlessly making his way across the yard Williams stopped just as the grass met the sand and watched Steve sit, his knees pulled up, his arms folded overtop, his chin resting on his arms, staring out toward the horizon. Knowing he could keep the broken man within view from the lanai he silently moved back to give Steve time. The psychiatrist at the hospital mentioned that it may take a while for Steve to talk about what happened and to not push him; the doctor had told Danny that she highly recommended McGarrett see someone and that she was prescribing an antidepressant. On the way home that had been the only prescription that needed filling, whether McGarrett would take them would be another matter.

An hour passed before Danny made a quick trip inside to retrieve two bottles of water from the frig. After another hour his was half empty, Steve's was sitting in a pool of condensation since the man hadn't moved from his spot on the beach, not even shifting positions. Three hours after they'd gotten home Chin and Kono arrived, coming through the house they stopped on the porch, "How is he?" Chin asked, taking in the figure of his boss, his friend.

"Hasn't moved since we got home, I don't know how long I should leave him out there, surly he won't stay out there all night." Danny knew if Steve didn't want to come in the house there wasn't any way for Williams to make him.

Kono stopped at the edge of the lanai, listening to her cousin and Danny while watching Steve. Without saying a word she started to make her way across the yard, reaching the spot McGarrett was sitting she sat down next to him, about a foot of space between them. "I love sunset almost as much as sunrise." The young woman said softly. Having seen what happened in the hospital room, after learning what Steve had almost done Kono had been afraid of how she should act around him. She'd admired him since the day she'd met him, he was always so sure, so strong, so in control and now, she wasn't sure what to think, but she knew one thing, there was no way she was going to abandon him, she just needed to figure out how she should act around him. Then she realized she shouldn't really act all that different, just maybe be a little more aware that McGarrett really was human after all. "Some of the best waves are at sunrise and sunset."

Silence met her words, but she wasn't deterred. "I know after I blew out my knee, those weeks and months of not even being able to go into the water…I wasn't the best person to be around…just ask Chin." Kono soon mirrored Steve's position. "I even hit him once, when he tried to tell me my life wasn't over just because I couldn't compete anymore, I hated him for telling me that. I loved surfing, I lived and breathed it and I didn't want to think of my life without it. But he never stopped, kept pointing out that I had survived that accident and that even though I might not surf professionally again didn't mean I couldn't surf. He was right there with me the very day I was finally released from physical therapy and do you know the first place he took me? To this quiet little beach were no one was around, my board was standing there in the sand waiting for me, it was near sunset and he paddled out right beside me, he let me cry through my fear and frustration, then just as a wave came in he took off telling me he'd meet me on the beach. That's the day I got back on my board, and I haven't looked back since."

The young woman turned her head toward the silent man beside her, laying her head on her arms, "I know I have no idea what you've gone through in your life, I don't know what goes on inside because you are always so quiet and hold things in but I want you to know you scared me worse than my career ending accident. You are like a big brother to me, you, Danny, Chin, you told me on my graduation night we were ohana and that you'd be there for me. I want you to know that works both ways, I'm here for you too, so is Danny and Chin." Turning her head back toward the horizon she watched the sun take its final dip into the Pacific for the day, silence settling over the beach, only the soothing sound of the waves crawling back and forth across the shore could be heard.

"I'm sorry", was barely heard over the quiet sound of the surf.

Looking back toward Steve, Kono took a chance and closed the space between them, now sitting right next to her friend. "The only thing you have to be sorry about is not letting us know how much you were hurting, but we're here now, you don't always have to be strong. Family catches you when you fall, they help you back up kicking and screaming if need be." She smiled softly thinking of all the kicking and screaming she'd put Chin through during her recovery. "Please, just don't push us away…" Watching for a reaction from the man beside her she finished, "I don't want to lose my brother."

For the first time since he'd sat down Steve turned his head, looking into the shadowed face of the young woman beside him, the one he'd put in danger just a day after meeting her, the one who'd nearly sacrificed everything trying to protect him and the team from Fryer and instead of seeing pity looking back at him, he only say caring, compassion and love as only family can offer. "Thank you." He whispered as he felt her warp her arms around his shoulders in a gentle hug.


	7. Chapter 7

Lost  
Chapter 7  
Disclaimer: See chapter one

Kono made her way back to the house a short time later, leaving Steve sitting in the moonlight, Danny remaining on the lanai as Chin and Kono moved inside, ordering pizza instead of firing up the grill since it had become late. It was another half hour before Steve finally stood, brushing the sand from his pants and headed toward the house. "You okay?" Danny asked softly as McGarrett stepped onto the porch.

"I don't know." Steve replied with more honesty than Danny had ever heard, _'well at least I didn't get the standard 'fine' I would have normally gotten'_, thought Williams. "I'm not very hungry; I think I'll turn in." McGarrett moved inside, his partner following a few minutes later.

"He said he was going to bed." Kono said as Danny sat down at the table, the pizza sitting mostly untouched in the center.

Running his hand through his hair Danny looked at the rest of the team, his friends. "I honestly don't know what I should do. I know I can't watch him 24/7, but God that's exactly what I want to do." Rubbing his face Williams finally clasped his hand on the table in front of him.

"I feel the same way, be we all know; one, it's not possible and two, he'd probably shot us if we tried." Chin responded, partly joking, but mostly serious. "That doctor said it would take time and we can't push him into talking if he's not ready, pretty much like normal.""Yeah and see how well that turned out." Danny answered blowing out a deep-breath.

"I just think the best we can do is keep reminding him he's not alone, that he doesn't always have to be strong around us, we need to keep reminding him he does have family that care about him." Kono said quietly thinking of her talk on the beach.

"I thought he knew that already, hell we practically live out of each other's pockets most of the time. That's why I can't understand how we missed things were getting so bad." Danny still couldn't wrap his mind around what had happened just days ago. "Do you think he'll see someone?"

"I would think the Navy would make it mandatory with what happened." Chin acknowledged.

They were all silent for a few minutes before Danny spoke again, "You guys should head out, I'm staying here tonight, but I get Grace for a few hours tomorrow, it's a half-day at her school. I was thinking I should…" Before he could finish the thought Chin spoke up.

"You need to see Grace; I'll come over in the morning and spend some time hanging out. Isn't Joe suppose to stop by tomorrow?" Chin knew Joe and Danny hadn't spoken much since the other night and hoped the two men could work out the tension between them before Steve picked up on it and added that to the apparent list of guilt he carried around.

"Thanks, I really need to see her and I don't think now is the time for her to be around Steve, at least until we get a handle on what's going. Joe said he'd come by around lunch time." Thinking of his daughter, Danny knew Grace loved her Uncle Steve, but he also knows how perceptive his daughter is and she'd pick up on the fact something was going on and didn't think it would be good for her to see McGarrett this troubled.

Chin and Kono stood, Danny following them to the front door, "I guess I'll see you guys tomorrow." Danny said as he watched his friends get in Kono's vehicle and drive away. He closed the door, locking it and setting the alarm. A part of him wanted to go upstairs and check on his partner, but he had to let Steve know he trusted him even if a part of Danny didn't. He'd never been more terrified or grateful that Steve had called him that night, even if he'd already taken the pills at least he hadn't followed through with anything more drastic, for that chance he would be eternally grateful. Checking the rest of the house Danny grabbed a pillow and blanket from the downstairs closet, kicked off his shoes, he stretched out on the cough he'd used only weeks ago.

The morning light filtering through the partially pulled curtains and the smell of coffee filtering through the house drew him back to awareness. Steve looked around, confused a minute as his sleep-filled mind didn't register the room for a few seconds. Finally as his mind cleared and he remembered he'd fallen asleep in his old room, across the hall from his current room. Sitting up slowly he rubbed his face, his hand going through his hair causing it to stick up all over. He could remember standing in the doorway of the master bedroom but not entering, he knew it was silly, that there was no rational reason to not sleep in that room, but a part of his mind wasn't ready to deal with had happened in there, what he had tried to do.

Glancing around his old room, most of the things of his youth had been packed away years ago by his father, so the walls were mostly bare except for a few odd pictures of the ocean and surfers. His eyes came back to the dresser near the door and noticed a small pile of cloths sitting neatly on top. Steve couldn't help the small smile as he knew that was probably Danny's work, _'I don't deserve such a good friend' _he thought before shaking his head slightly, it was those type of thoughts that had lead to the other night and over the last couple days the people he was so afraid he'd put in danger had barely left his side, especially Danny.

Grabbing the pile he made his way to the bathroom, taking a much longer than a three-minute shower, standing in the hot stream until it went tepid. Dressing he finally made his way downstairs expecting to see Danny, but found Chin standing near the back door, looking out at the ocean. The older man turned when he heard Steve enter the room, "Coffee's fresh." Chin said, nodding toward the kitchen. Silently Steve made his way toward the coffee maker, pouring a cup before rejoining Kelly.

"Where's Danny?" Steve asked quietly, a hint of nervousness at the fact his best friend wasn't the one downstairs. Part of him felt guilty for feeling like he needed Danny there to keep some sense of balance knowing the other man had a life, while another part of him was trying to convince himself that maybe Danny really didn't want anything to do with him now that he was home, maybe his weakness had finally driven the first best friend he'd ever had away.

Chin could see the range of emotions crossing Steve's face when he asked about Williams before he answered, "Grace has a half-day at school today, so Rachel let him have her for a few hours, he said he'd call later and be back this evening." Kelly watched Steve nod slightly then move to the lanai, the older man following a short time later.

"You don't have to stay, I'm fine." Steve said quietly, his eyes focused on the waves coming in.

"Malia had an early shift and the Governor gave us all a few days, don't really have much else to do right now. Are you hungry? I think we have some pizza left over from last night." Chin mentioned as he thought about the nearly whole pizza they'd put in the frig the night before.

A quiet chuckle escaped McGarrett as he glanced at the man across the table from him, "I thought only Danny would consider pizza a breakfast food." Taking a small drink of the hot liquid in his mug he finished, "I'm not very hungry right now."

Both men's gazes returned to the stretch of blue just behind the beach house, distant traffic noise was barely heard as the waves continued to lap at the sand. Finally after several minutes Chin broke the silence, "You know the more I work with you and get to know you, I see that you are a lot like your dad."

Before Steve could think the next words slipped from his mouth, "My father wasn't weak."

Though his always placid face didn't reveal it, Chin's heart clinched at those words. Steve McGarrett was many things but Chin Ho Kelly knew 'weak' was not one of them. Reaching across the table the older man took a firm grip on Steve's arm, shaking it slightly until McGarrett looked at him, "You are not weak. Confused? Yes. Hurting? Yes. Maybe feeling a little lost and scared? Though I know you'd never admit it I believe that answer is yes too. But **you** are **not weak." **The firmness of his voice leaving no room for argument.

Plainly seeing that the younger man still wasn't convinced that Chin's statements were true Kelly recalled a moment that he'd seen John McGarrett nearly as broken as his son. Releasing Steve's arm he held the hurting man's gaze as he started talking. "When I got out of the academy, your dad was my training officer, I'd only been assigned to work with him a few months before your mom died, that's how I knew about your football games…" Chin recalled how surprised Steve had been that his father had apparently attended several games without his son's knowledge. "You probably don't remember but I came with the officer when your mom was killed. I was behind him when you opened the door. I remember the look on your face when you realized why a uniform officer was there to see your dad when he was off duty, I remember you running out the backdoor to this beach." Kelly could see Steve struggling with the emotions that memories of that day brought up and the fact he never realized Chin had been there.

"Your dad was a lot like you, always trying to be strong, keeping things inside, that day he allowed himself that moment of shock and disbelief then just as quickly slipped that mask back into place and started wanting to know details. I may have been partnered with him, but I never knew that he had started looking into the accident like he did, he kept that hidden." Chin looked back toward the beach, "He called me the night he put you and your sister on those planes to the mainland, I had no idea he was shipping you guys away until he did it. Something in the tone of his voice didn't sit well with me and I came over." Glancing back at McGarrett Chin noticed the younger man clutching his mug tightly as he listened.

"I knocked and nobody answered, the house was dark but your dad's car was in the driveway. I made my way around here and found him sitting right here in the dark. There was just enough light for me to see three things on the table; one was his badge, another was a family photo and the final thing was his service weapon." Chin noticed Steve's head come up as his tear-filled eyes locked onto Kelly's. "I sat down across from him and just watched him. For several minutes he was quiet and I didn't know what to say so I sat. Finally your dad spoke and what he said scared the hell out of me… he looked right at me, his eye's looked empty, like a man who had just lost everything and in a way that is what your father had done. He looked at me and said, 'I can't watch everyone die because of me.' Kelly paused as those very words had been spoken by Steve just days ago during his breakdown in the hospital. "He said he felt he'd lost his wife because he was getting close to something big, he said he'd lost you and Mary because he had to send you away because he was so afraid that what happened to your mother was going to happen to the both of you. He actually told me to leave because he didn't want to get me killed too. At the time none of what he was saying made much sense because I had thought it was just a horrible accident that had killed your mom."

His gaze never wavering from Steve's as he continued, "The look on his face, the sound of his voice screamed at me to not leave him alone that night because I was afraid if I did I wouldn't have a training officer come morning. So we sat right here the whole night, never moving, never talking anymore, just sitting. At some point I remember reaching across the table and removing your father's gun. I'll never know if he meant to use it that night, but I know he was hurting worse than he'd ever hurt, he felt scared, lost and alone, but just like you he tried to not show it and would never admit it. For several nights after that I come over every night and we'd just sit here, not talking. After a while your father started to focus on his work again, calling every week to check on you guys on the mainland. He never completely got back to the John McGarrett that I first met, everything he went through left a mark and it was years later when IA was all over me that your dad told me he wasn't running out on me like all my other so called friends and family had done, because I hadn't ran out on him. Your dad took a lot of heat staying friends with me after the fall-out of that investigation, but I was always grateful to know no matter what I had him in my corner and there were many times if it hadn't been for your dad and Kono I don't think I'd be sitting here right now trying to convince you that you are not alone. That you have people that care about you and you don't always have to be the tough guy and keep everything inside. It is not 'weak' to need people, to allow people to see you break because it's those same people that will be there to pick you up and help put you back together again. That's what true ohana does. So don't ever think you are alone because just like your old man realized, you're never as alone as you feel."

With that Chin stood up and moved toward the door, squeezing Steve's shoulder before entering the house, leaving the younger man alone for a while to sort through his thoughts and feelings as Kelly watched protectively from the kitchen window.


	8. Chapter 8

Lost  
Chapter 8  
Disclaimer: See chapter one

Steve came inside a while later; Chin had been moving about the kitchen and fixed a late breakfast of egg-white omelets and toast. They ate silently, but it was a comfortable silence, Chin believing that maybe Steve was slowly realizing that the people in his life were not going to abandon him because of what happened. Just as they were finishing up there was a quick knock on the front door and Joe White entered.

"How you doing this morning son?" Joe asked Steve, Chin handing him a cup of coffee as he took a seat at the small kitchen table.

"I'm okay, sir." Steve replied. Joe noticed the return of 'sir' in Steve's words. That tended to happen when the younger man felt vulnerable and needed to fall back into a semblance of normal.

Joe glanced toward Chin to see how things were going. "We just finished breakfast and according to Danny last night was uneventful."

"I am right here you know." Steve said sharply, not liking that he was being reported on like this, especially in front of him.

"Steve, I'm…" Chin was getting ready to apologize, not realizing how it sounded that they all thought he needed to be watched and reported on.

Steve stood, anger welling inside, "So is this what's going to be happening, you all think you need to take shifts to keep an eye on me, so I don't…" McGarrett's breath caught, he couldn't bring himself to acknowledge the words of his actions just yet.

Joe stood when McGarrett did, not really sure what the younger man's actions were going to be. "Steve, listen, you gave us quite a scare and we're worried, that's all."

"I don't need you all worrying about me, I don't need to be constantly watched like a child, I'm a God-damned SEAL for God's sake, I'm able to take care of myself." Slinging the chair up under the table, rattling the coffee mugs still sitting there, Steve stormed out the back door.

Chin placed his hands on the back of his chair, lowering his head, "Maybe we are going about this the wrong way. I thought I had gotten through to him a little bit."

Joe moved toward the window, watching Steve pacing back and forth along the waterline, he could tell the younger man was working to get his anger under control. "We are getting through to him; he just has to work this all out in his time. Steve's always been that way, when something doesn't go the way he thinks it should his knee-jerk reaction is anger. It takes him time to figure out exactly how he feels; now whether he is willing to start acknowledging those feelings is another matter." Looking over at Chin, Joe continued, "I've made some calls and Steve's got an appointment at Pearl today."

"He's not going to be happy about that." Kelly replied, stepping up next to Joe, watching as Steve finally dropped into one of the weathered deck chairs along the waters edge.

"No, probably not, but once the Navy found out what happened, they ordered an immediate evaluation." Again White stared at his surrogate son, hating himself for not listening that night in the truck.

Kelly, ever perceptive, seemed to pick up on that guilt, "This wasn't your fault Joe, it wasn't any of our faults, just like it wasn't really Steve's fault. Things had apparently been spiraling and we just didn't see it, whether we didn't want to, or he didn't want us to is something we'll never know. We just have to keep reminding ourselves that he's still here for us to help now and keep reminding him that he's not alone."

Joe glanced toward Chin, giving him a small smile and nod in understanding, "I'm going to go talk to him then drive him to the base, you can head out if you want, it'll be a few hours."

"I'll call and let Danny know, he's planning on stopping by this evening after he drops Grace off." Kelly responded as Joe moved toward the doorway.

Crossing the yard, Joe took a seat in the unoccupied chair next to Steve, whose gaze was again fixed on the horizon. "I don't need a babysitter." McGarrett said quietly.

"I know you don't son, but you have to understand we're worried." White waited to see if the young man beside him would reply.

"You called Pearl didn't you?" Steve kept his gaze forward, his hand unconsciously clinching the arm of the chair.

"You know how this works, they would have been calling, I thought it best to get ahead of it. So yes I called them and you have an appointment at 1400 today." The older man answered.

Steve reached his hand up and rubbed his face, suddenly very tired. Joe watched a few minutes before he spoke up again. "I'm sorry that I wasn't listening the other night. It wasn't until I was talking with Danny in the hospital that I even realized what you were saying. I have been so focused on trying to protect you from all this, that I never realized I was pushing you further away."

McGarrett turned and looked at his former CO, now his friend, "I think I should know what my father was talking about on that tape, if Shelburne led to my mother being killed and my father sending Mary and me away…Damn it Joe I deserve to know what the hell…I was…tortured for…I just want to know." Steve's voice broke again when he said that word, Joe finally hearing the pain in it that he had missed that night in the truck.

Running his hand over his face Joe faced Steve, leaning forward in the chair. "If I really felt it would make a difference I would tell you what I know, but it's not something I'm at liberty to discuss, it's just my job to try and protect you from the fall-out of something that's been going on for more years than I care to remember. I'm sorry."

Again anger surged through Steve as he stood and started pacing the small area near the chairs, "How the hell are you protecting me? Look what's happened since all of this has started to come to light, this is just one more load of crap I'm having to deal with and it seems everyone that I thought I could trust is turning against me. I've trusted you since I was eighteen years old and over the last few weeks I'm starting to doubt you, I don't know what I'm suppose to believe anymore. You keep saying you want to protect me, that you don't know what Shelburne is, but I don't believe you anymore Joe, too many things aren't adding up and I can't keep dealing with this, I need answers…I deserve answers." Steve stopped, looking at the man who was the only father figure he had once his father sent him away.

Joe stood up, crossing the few feet that separated him from Steve. "If I had the answers I would tell you, I am still looking into this thing myself. All I know is your father, years ago, asked me to keep an eye on you, that's why I was around when you were going through training, why I was there anytime you woke up in a hospital after something went wrong. Damn-it Steve, you are like a son to me and I feel I've failed you on all fronts, especially with this Shelburne mess and the other night…" Joe turned paced a few feet and stood facing the ocean, "God the other night when Danny called my first thought was that Adam Noshimori came after you for getting me away from him. Then to walk into that hospital and see your team, your friends looking like they did, especially Danny…I knew something bad had happened, but when the doctor came out to talk to us I wasn't ready to accept the facts. Then when I thought about if I had just listened to you that night things would have been different…I just…I'm sorry." Joe wasn't use to feeling these types of emotions. He wasn't sure how to handle them, yes he'd been worried over the years about the younger McGarrett, especially the times when word would reach him that Steve had been hurt during a mission, though it wasn't often it did happen a few times and a couple of those times had been bad. But this, this feeling that he could have really lost the young man he'd watch grow into an amazing man and an exceptionally skilled SEAL, hell Joe was having his own problems dealing right now.

Steve stepped up next to Joe, his voice barely heard above the surf, "You told me once that you wanted the dying to stop. That's what I want; I can't stand by and watch the people I care about be killed because of something that is following me. I just want it to end. Just tell me Joe, will it end?"

White turned to face the younger man, "I promise you son, as soon as I know what everything is about, you will be the first one I come to and if it is the last thing I ever do, I promise you it will end." Silence settled between the two men and before long they made their way back through the house and out to Joe's car for their trip to Pearl.


	9. Chapter 9

Lost  
Chapter 9  
Disclaimer: See chapter one

_A/N: Well as most of you who read my stuff have probably figured out since I'm posting chapters quicker, we are nearing the end of my story. There will be one more chapter after this one and it will be posted sometime tomorrow. Again I want to think you all so much for allowing me to use this story as my own personal therapy. Though things are still a mess for me right now, this outlet has helped clear some of the darker thoughts from my mind of the time being. I know some of you will wonder about Steve's healing/recovery process, but I wrote this more as him needing to accept the help his ohana so much wanted to offer. To me that is his first and biggest step, a step I have yet to take except through my writing. My ability to read, to write and the love for my daughter have many times been the only things that have haulted my decent into darkness. Without those three things I would truly be lost. You guys have given my words meaning, given me an outlet and for that I am forever grateful. So to my FF 'Ohana' I say an enormous THANK YOU!-Montez_

He was walking, he didn't know exactly where he was going; only that he needed time to think and he couldn't do that when they wouldn't leave him by himself for very long. He'd only been out of the hospital for just over twenty-four hours, he'd been told my the doctor there he needed to rest, that he was exhausted and that had been a contributing factor to what had happened, he hadn't been thinking straight. He knew he was exhausted; he'd been exhausted for so long now it was the only 'normal' he knew anymore. Inwardly he'd almost chuckled at the doctor's comments about not thinking straight, he honestly didn't think he'd been thinking straight since the echo of that gunshot across his sat-phone had ended his father's life.

As he walked he didn't really notice the scenery around him, hell he'd come to know this island again like the back of his hand, so his subconscious led him on his journey. It had begun at the Pearl Harbor Naval Station, where Joe had taken him to talk with the Navy doctors. He knew it was routine in situations like his, he'd been ordered to speak with those type of doctor's before when missions had gone bad so he knew what he needed to say. He hadn't been happy when the doctor ordered more sessions, nor when they had agreed he should take the medication the civilian doctor had prescribed. Steve had never liked to take medication of any kind, but now he was pretty much being ordered to take the antidepressants and he didn't like it.

He felt guilty leaving the building through another entrance, but he knew Joe was waiting for him in the lobby and if he reached the other man, then he would be watched again and he needed to get away, at least for a while.

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Joe looked at his watch, then back toward the elevators that McGarrett had disappeared up just over two hours ago. Knowing these 'meetings' could take about two hours initially the older man decided to head upstairs to check on his young friend. Reaching the office Joe approached the receptionist, "I'm here with a friend, Lt. Commander Steve McGarrett, I was wanting to see how much longer he might be, I'm his ride home."

The young woman behind the desk tapped a few keys on her computer before looking up, "The Lt. Commander left about a half an hour ago."

"Thank you." White responded coolly before heading back toward the lift, "Damnit Steve…" Joe had a feeling what had happened, the younger man was feeling smothered and decided instead of telling them he needed some time to himself, he just took it. It didn't help that knowing Steve like Joe did, that he knew McGarrett wouldn't be found until he was ready. That knowing wasn't helping with the fact Joe knew what he was going to have to do next. Looking at his watch he noticed the time and according to Chin, Danny would probably be getting ready to drop his daughter off at home and head for Steve's. Reaching the parking lot, Joe looked around, just in case Steve decided to meet him at the car, which he knew wouldn't be happening. Leaning against the side of the vehicle the older man took out his phone and dialed a number he'd first learned many months ago when the man it belonged to called him to help get Steve out of prison and he knew this was a conversation he really didn't want to have, but was necessary. Hitting the 'call' button he waited until the slightly accented voice answered, "Danny, Steve's disappeared."

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Danny was just pulling out of Rachel's driveway, even though Grace had gotten out of school early he needed to have her home by five because his daughter had been invited to a sleepover, which was all the young girl could talk about in the few hours she'd spent with her father. But Williams hadn't minded, he loved to hear about what was going on in his daughter's life and any time spent with her was more than he could wish for.

Looking at the clock on the dash he knew he had time to run by his place, grabbing a change of cloths before meeting back up with Joe and Steve at McGarrett's house once they got back from his partner's appointment at the base. Danny wondered if his friend would finally talk to someone about everything that was going on, but a part of him some how knew it wasn't going to be that easy of a process. He also knew Steve knew how to tell people what they wanted and Danny wasn't sure if Navy docs were as easy to fool as regular doctors. He'd honestly been at a loss as to how to really get through to his best friend and being told to wait until Steve was ready to talk didn't set well with the Jersey native whose patience in the best of times was minimal. Plus, left to his own time table Williams knew McGarrett wouldn't volunteer much info about what was going on in that brain of his, especially if it had to do with his feelings.

Stopping at the stop sign at the end of Rachel's street Danny's phone rang, grabbing it from the center console he looked at the caller ID and something in his gut twisted when 'JOE' flashed across the screen. "Joe, is everything alright?"

The next three words Danny heard brought his slowly righting world to an abrupt halt all over again, "Danny, Steve's disappeared."

It took a few seconds for the words to make sense, "What the hell do you mean Steve's disappeared? I thought you were taking him to the base." Danny's words increased in volume as his worry skyrocketed.

"We were at the base, I went up to see how much longer he would be and was told he'd left just over a half an hour ago, but he never came back through the lobby." Joe knew Danny was pissed with him about the other night, whether it was misdirected or spot on blame it didn't matter; right now they were just worried about their friend.

"Did you try his phone?" Danny was about ready to hang up on the older man and try to call Steve himself, but he needed to know what was going on, "Why the hell would he disappear?"

"He left his phone at the house. I asked him about it and he said since he wasn't working and was with me he didn't think he'd need it. As far as why he disappeared, I think he's feeling smothered. He's done this before when he needed some time to himself." Joe replied as he got into his car, making his way to the front gate.

Danny couldn't believe how calm Joe sounded about the unnerving development, but then again it had been Danny that had received that phone call just days ago, it had been Danny who had found his unconscious partner and again it didn't seem like Joe was taking what was happened serious, "He's done this before…no Joe he hasn't done this before. Yeah he may have wanted time alone, maybe he'd disappeared before I knew him, but no Joe, Steve hasn't disappeared within days of trying to kill himself before, so excuse me if I think it's more of an issue than you believe it to be." Danny flipped on his lights and head toward Steve's house, hoping maybe his partner would head there, but then he pulled over, realizing Steve knew that would be the first place everyone would look, which left Williams at a loss as to where to even start looking.

"Danny, we have to trust that he's okay, he just needs time to sort everything out." Joe had started driving around the neighborhood that surrounded the base hoping to spot his friend.

"Joe, I'm going to call Chin and Kono, we need to find him. I don't like this, it's too soon, we just… we just need to find him. I'll call you later." Without preamble Danny hung up on the older man, Williams was beginning to wonder if it was in their nature to sound like nothing bothered them or if the Navy had drilled that trait into both Joe and Steve, as neither man seemed to think things that were serious were actually serious.

Hitting speed-dial three Danny pulled back into traffic as he waited for Chin to answer, "Chin I need you and Kono to start looking for Steve." Williams waited for the initial reaction before he continued, "No, Joe took him to the base, but apparently Steve decided he didn't want Joe to know he left and now we don't know where he is…No we can't trace his phone, according to Joe he left it at home…Joe would only say that he thinks Steve was feeling smothered and needed time. But I don't like it, I'd just feel better if I knew where he was…no I don't think an APB would be a good idea, we just need to check places he might go, I don't think he'd head home though because he'd figure that would be the first place we'd check. Call me if you guys find him okay. Yeah, me too…okay bye." Danny disconnected the call feeling better that he had more eyes looking for his wayward partner, knowing the cousins would probably put calls out to their cousins and before he knew it nearly the whole island would be looking for Steve, whether he liked it or not.

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It had been months since he'd visited his parent's grave, but that was the first place he was drawn to. Sitting on the cooling grass, he reached out and touched the plaques on the markers, running his hand over the raised names. "I'm sorry…" He looked at his mother's marker, tears filling his eyes as the memories of the last time he saw her filled his mind, "I miss you so much mom…I'm sorry I was a jerk that day…I was just…I figured I'd have time to say I'm sorry, to tell you I loved you, to hug you again…I'm so sorry I didn't do it that day…God I miss you." Tears slipped from his face unchecked.

Shifting his gaze he looked upon his father's name, the last words exchanged had been with a gun pointed at his father's head, it was an image he had never been able to shake, "I'm sorry I never called dad…I should have called more…I should have reached out more, but God I was still so angry at you for sending us away. I not only lost my mom, but I lost you too, when I needed you the most you shipped me away…I never got the chance to forgive you, but I do now. After what happened with Mary I understand now why you did it…if you would have just told me then…I never got the chance to tell you how much I admired you being a cop, doing what you did and even though you told me all those years ago to be anything but a cop, I tried but somehow that's exactly what I'm becoming…I just…" Running his hands over his face, Steve tried to stop the tears that continued to cascade down his face, "I just want you to know I love you dad, deep down I know I always did, but I never told you and I'm sorry."

Taking a few deep breaths Steve stood, brushing the grass from his pants, he moved away from his parents and resumed his walk into the settling darkness.


	10. Chapter 10

Lost  
Chapter 10  
Disclaimer: See chapter one

_A/N: Well this is it, the final chapter. Thank you all again for everything.-Montez_

It was nearing midnight and the knot that had formed in Danny's gut days ago was tightening again. They had been looking for Steve for over seven hours now, no one had seen him or heard from him, it was as if he'd dropped off the face of the earth and that was a thought that terrified Danny. There were so many places on this damned island that seemed to literally 'drop off the face of the earth'. It was all still to fresh, the feelings and memories all still to new. As the night wore on with no word there was a heaviness settling over the whole island that Williams felt would never dissipate until his best friend was found, one way or another.

The cousins were on the other side of the island, Joe was still out looking, but Danny felt he needed to regroup; he needed to clear his head and try to think like his wayward partner, where would he go that no one would think to look. Then it hit him, and he cursed himself for not seeing what was right in front of him. Danny and the other's had agreed that Steve wouldn't head home because that would be the first place they would all look and that had been one of the only places he hadn't looked. Turning the car around Danny push the pedal to the floor, thankful for the traffic-less night, and raced toward Steve's place.

Pulling the Camaro into the drive too many memories from that night, less than a week ago, flooded Danny's mind; the Silverado sitting in the driveway, the dark house, the sick feeling in the pit of his stomach, "Damn it Steven you better be alright, I can't do this again." Williams whispered to himself as he exited the vehicle, quickly making his way across the yard.

Finding the front door unlocked the Jersey native pushed it open, though his mind replayed the odor of gunpowder, the smell that greeted him this time spelt like Steve's house always smelt, like furniture polish and the ocean. For a second Danny couldn't help the thought of just how neat of a bachelor his partner was. Pushing that thought aside he called out, "Steve?"

The muffled sound of the ocean through the closed back door was the only reply. Making his way through the house Danny checked the lower floor then stood at the bottom of the stairs looking up, again his mind replaying the night that would probably be with him the rest of his life. "Steve?" He called again before grasping the rail and ascending the stairs.

He checked the room Steve had slept in the night before, he'd been surprised, but not, at the fact his partner had avoided the master bedroom. When that room was empty Danny turned to the wide open doorway of the master bedroom, again moonlight filtered across the floor, the curtains casting ghostly shadows as the ocean breeze gently blew them, the room again looked surreal, ethereal. Williams felt a chill go up his spine at how this night looked so much, too much, like that night. Shaking his head slightly, willing his emotions to stay in check, Danny drew in a shaky breath as he scanned the room. In the darkness he could just make out the top of his partner's head above the edge of the bed. Walking slowly, his body shaking slightly out of fear, Williams crossed the room. Again the first thing he noticed were the black Timberland boots, however this time instead of black-clad legs they were kaki, "Steven?" Danny whispered as he cleared the end of the bed and saw his best friend leaning back against the side of the bed, his eyes closed, "Steve?"

"I'm sorry Danny", Steve's voice barely a whisper as he raised his head, looking into the face of his partner.

"Where have you been, we've been a bit worried?" Danny'd actually been terrified, but Chin had mentioned Steve's reaction earlier in the day. "Are you okay?" Williams moved forward some, knelling a few feet from his best friend.

"I so tired Danny…I needed to think, I'm sorry if I worried you." Danny could just see the hint of moisture in Steve's eyes, but the exhaustion was clearly visible.

"Did you walk all the way here from Pearl?" Danny sat the rest of the way down, leaning back against the bed, mirroring his friend's posture.

"I visited my parents…I just…I needed to think." McGarrett's voice was the quietest Danny'd ever heard it, just above a whisper, like it was taking nearly all Steve's energy to even form the words.

"What did you think about?" Williams noted how Steve hadn't looked at him since he'd sat down.

"Everything…nothing," A hollow chuckle escaped the drained man. "I thought that when Chin was here this morning instead of you, that you decided I wasn't worth the effort anymore…you've told me before that I was lacking emotionally, I thought that maybe since you've seen I can't handle my emotions that you'd cut your losses."

Danny didn't know what to say, did his partner really think that little of Danny, that at the first sign of vulnerability he'd just bale on his best friend, "You thought I'd cut my losses? Are you serious? I've been trying to get you to acknowledge your feelings since I've met you, grant it you scared the hell out of me with your way of 'dealing' with them, but I thought you knew me better. I've invested too much time and energy in trying to train you to just run out on you now. You're stuck with me."

Williams moved a little closer to his friend when he saw a pained smile cross the dark-haired man's face, "Look at me Steve," Danny waited until McGarrett met his gaze. "When you called me the other night, that phone call scared me like I've never been scared before. I'm your backup and I was terrified that I wasn't going to get here fast enough…God Steven when I walked into this house and smelt gunpowder, I nearly lost it. Walking in here, finding you…" Danny's voice cracked as the image flashed in his mind. "Then when I realized you were still alive, I knew I had been given another chance to try and get through that thick skull of yours that you're not alone…at the hospital when your heart stopped it felt like that chance was being pulled out from under me all over again. You've been the only person other than Grace that has made this place feel like home."

"It was you and Grace that kept me from putting that bullet in my brain." Steve nodded toward the shattered mirror above the dresser.

"What?" Danny was confused, he'd been so grateful the bullet was in the wall and not Steve, but he never gave it much thought as to why it was there.

Steve reached down beside him and picked up a frame, looking at it a second, running his hand over it before handing it to Danny. "Do you remember when this was taken?" It was a photo of Chin, Kono, Danny, Grace and Steve. The little girl was held in her father's arms, one of her arms was around Danny's neck, the other wrapped around Steve's.

"Duke took this one day when Rachel had dropped Grace off at the office because she and Stan had a flight to catch." Danny had the same photo sitting on his desk at work.

Steve nodded, "I barely remember calling you that night…I'd…I'd already taken the pills." Steve looked up across the room; his eye's not seeing anything as he continued to talk. "I didn't have many left and I knew they wouldn't do what I was wanting, I was just feeling the effects when I called you. When I walked back in here I looked at myself in the mirror and all I saw was a broken, useless man staring back at me." Danny's heart clinched thinking his partner viewed himself as useless, the man was anything but. Afraid he'd break the spell that seemed to envelop Steve as he spoke; Danny remained silent while his friend continued. "I had my gun in my hand…I just wanted everything to stop before someone else died…I'm so tired of watching people die." McGarrett whispered, a slight shutter shifted through his body.

"I was standing there and a shadow caught my attention as it passed over that picture and I saw Grace's face and your face…you never seem happy Danny, but you looked happy that day. We all looked happy that day. And I don't know if it was the look on everyone's face in the picture, or the thought of how good that day had been or if it was the fact that I noticed Grace's arm around my neck, but I got so angry…I was so angry at myself for being so weak and I didn't want her knowing I was that weak…" Danny noticed tears stream down his friends face as tears streamed down his own at the broken sound coming from the man beside him. "I remember raising my gun and shooting that image in the mirror, I hated that image, I hated the man looking back at me. That wasn't the man that little girl had her arm around and I just wanted him gone." A shaken breath was taken in as Steve looked at Danny, "I don't remember anything after that until I woke up in the hospital and you were there and I felt so ashamed of what I had down…" Steve rubbed his hands over his face roughly as more tears slipped free, the broken man finally acknowledging what he had almost done, "God Danny I tried to kill myself…" Heart-wrenching sobs overtook McGarret's body as Danny moved closer, wrapping his arm around his best friend's shoulder, "I tried to kill myself." Steve whispered again not resisting the gentle pull of his partner, leaning into the only thing that was grounding him at the moment.

A few minutes passed as Steve finally accepted what he'd tried to do and when he felt his exhausted body start to give in to sleep he whispered "…I need your help Danny, I can't do this alone anymore."

Those had been the words Danny had been hoping to hear, his partner, his friend, his brother acknowledging that he couldn't do it alone anymore, finally reaching out for help. And just like that night in the hospital when he felt Steve break in his arms, Williams knew that tonight was the first step in the process of putting Lt. Commander Steve McGarrett, Super SEAL back together and that was a job Danny Williams was more than ready for. "I right here, I'm not going anywhere. I promise you, you won't have to do this alone. I've got ya partner…I've got ya."

_Epilogue:_

_The smell of coffee and the late afternoon light drew Steve to awareness. He looked around and realized he was back in his normal room. His mind and body were still tired, but not nearly as exhausted as he'd been feeling. As he lay there the memories of the night before came back to him, he remembered Danny finding him sitting alone. He remembered acknowledging what he'd tried to do and he remembered finally reaching out and asking Danny for help. His last thoughts of the night before had been his best friend's arm around his shoulders and Danny's whispered assurance that he wasn't alone that Danny would be there to help him._

_After slowly pushing himself up and making his way across the room, Steve again took a longer than three minute shower and made his way downstairs. The house was empty, but the coffee in the maker was fresh, grabbing a cup Steve looked out the back window and saw his blond-haired partner sitting in one of the deck chairs near the water line. He moved to head out the back door and noticed a prescription bag sitting at the end of the counter. Picking it up he took out the pill bottle and looked at it. The Navy doctor had told him he should take the medication, that along with some more visits it would help set Steve back on the path to recovery. McGarrett remembered voicing his opinion, rather strongly, about not wanting to take the medication. The doctor had told him it would only be for a little while._

_Thinking back to the feelings and emotions that had led up to the night he'd tried to take his own life, Steve knew he never wanted to feel that way again, but he also knew that magic wasn't found in a pill. Opening the bottle he poured one of the small tablets into the palm of his hand, thinking of what the doctor had said, thinking of what Danny had said, Steve was finally willing to accept he needed help and that maybe he needed to trust the doctors advise to take the medicine just as he was going to trust in Danny's words that he didn't have to get through this alone. Taking a deep breath, he moved toward the frig; grabbing a bottle of water, he placed the pill in his mouth, taking a large drink of water. Sitting the water on the counter he grabbed the waiting coffee mug and made his way across the yard._

_Danny looked up and smiled, "Was beginning to think you were going to sleep the day away."_

_Steve returned the smile, taking a seat, "Well I was a little tired you know."_

"_A little tired…a little tired he says," Danny's hands start moving with his words, "You my friend were so beyond tired you needed to rest just to find tired." Williams noticed the smirk behind the coffee mug as Steve took a drink. "So…" Danny continued, "How are you feeling? And don't…"_

_McGarrett cut Danny's words off, "Don't worry I'm not going to say 'fine', because I'm not fine yet. But I feel a little better."_

"_Well, that's a start." Williams replied._

"_I've decided to give the pills a try." Danny watched his friend closely, "The doctor yesterday thought it was a good idea, plus I need to go back a couple times a week for a while." Williams nodded his head, grateful that last night seemed to be the start of things getting better. "It's going to take a while, but hopefully I can get things back on an even keel."_

"_Just had to use a nautical term didn't you?" Danny smiled._

"_Well Danny, I am Navy remember." Steve returned the smile before his eyes took on a serious look, "Thank you."_

_Danny's expression soon matched Steve's, "For what?"_

"_For listening, for coming for me…for being here", McGarrett's gaze moved toward the horizon._

_Danny knew just how much it took for his friend to say those words, to say the words he'd said last night and for that the Jersey native truly admired the man, knowing he couldn't get through this alone, no matter how much he wanted to. Reaching across the short distance, Danny placed his hand on Steve's arm, giving it a gentle squeeze until McGarrett looked at him, "Where else would I be? I'm the backup right?" A small smile crossed his face._

_A bigger one greeted his words, "Yeah, I guess you are."_

_Silence settled between the two friends, the two brothers as the sun started it's decent toward the horizon, setting on the first day in the healing of Steve McGarrett._


End file.
